Our Own Daily Digest, Final Edition

"All the news that fits, we print!"

Snooze-o-rama
Our managing editors (only one now, but still with double vision) is happy to announce that she has put this, her final edition of Our Own Daily Digest, to bed, and high time it is, too. It's been napping in her office chair for too long. Maybe now it will catch up on its sleep. (And no, it's not just after lunch, either. Before lunch is another favorite time for 15 winks.)

Families Not Only Count, They're Just Crazy About It
Sales of FC Year A are right up there with those of "What's that? Speak up!" Ronald Reagan and Those Dad-Gum Hearing Aids. Is anyone surprised? Fun-loving families are lining up in droves to give up happy hours, leisurely suppers, televised night games of the Boston Red Sox, and a couple hours of Law & Order reruns or X-Box to come back to school for lukewarm pizza and math games. OODD is happy to announce that a special commemorative issue of Year B will be available in 2036, the 100th anniversary of her birth. (Yeah, well, you're no spring chicken, either.)

PICK A NEW PRESIDENT!
The newly rearranged Gollyurdef University Board of Trustees (GUBOT) has announced the exciting PICK A NEW PRESIDENT edition of DEF LOTTO! Players can purchase their tickets from any faculty member at 4:30 p.m. every Friday at the Rathskellar's ASL-O-RAMA. Players mark the tickets with combinations of their favorite candidate's year of birth, year of graduation from Gollyurdef, hearing loss profile, position played on the Gollyurdef football/volleyball team, and year of death. This final category has been added this year to expand the pool of suitable presidential candidates to include posthumus recipients. Five matches guarantee the ticketholder a bottomless martini at the Rat.

Gollyurdef Administrator Wins Coveted Tonka Mighty Truck with Hard Hat and Tools
Gollyurdef's VP for Endless Construction, Kaul Pelly, has won Tonka Trucks' highest award for nonstop tearing down, building up, and water main replacement: The Tonka Mighty Truck with Hard Hat and Tools. The award also comes with a personalized lunch pail and a pair of those cool steel-capped work boots!!

Well, that's all, folks. Good night and God bless.