More fun...very oldie but very goody

from M'reen, a course....

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director:
"How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"




ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?

Monday Fun Fest....heh

[Well, everybody else has cool pictures of where they live. I took this one on the front porch of Union Station while waiting in a LOOOOOONG taxi line a week or two ago when everything was messed up on the metro, and I missed the Gally shuttlebus to campus. And no, I have not retired yet. Somebody yesterday said, "You're just staying on for the joy of it!!!" You guessed!!

ANGER MANAGEMENT (thanx to M'reen)

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"

Wife: "I clean the toilet."

Husband: "How does that help?"

Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

A CHRISTMAS TRADITION (thanx to Jimmy F)

Even Santa can have a bad day, but I didn't know about the start of this Christmas tradition until reading the following sweet little story:

When 4 of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that 3 of them were about to give birth, and 2 had jumped the fence... More stress!!

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys all over the place.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor...

so there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door and there was a beautiful, little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas,Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...

TEST OF SMARTS (thanx to M'reen)

THIS IS INCREDIBLE....

Read all the Numbers... Slowly and in Order!!

Be Careful not to MISS ANY

1 2

3 4

5 6

7 8

9 10

11 12

13 14 15

16 17 18

19

20

21 22

23 24 25

26 27 28 29

30

Finished?

Scroll down ....................

GOOD WORK ! TOMORROW I'LL SEND

YOU THE ABC's !

It takes so little to amuse

some old codgers

[Oh, this last one didn't work out AT ALL....the numbers are sposed to be scattered all over and take you a few minutes to read in order, and there's sposed to be a LAUGHING BABY and a LAUGHING Jerry (the mouse from Tom & Jerry). Well, picture them in your mind's eye]

Gran’s greatest last-minute gifts!!

Running out of time? Snowed in? Try one of these.

10. Omaha Steaks for all, even the vegetarians.

9. Harry & David’s Moose Munch--hell with the fruit.

8. A year’s supply of peanut butter from Zingerman’s.

7. Contribute the amount you would have spent on new iPods to Oxfam in their name.

6. Rebuilt blender from Amazon.com

5. Matching Easter tablecloth and napkins from Sur la Table outlet.

4. The complete Dixie Chicks ouvre from www.dixiechicks.com.

3. Same as #7, but send the $$ to Natalie Maines’s prisoner fund.

2. Same as #7, but send the $$ to Planned Parenthood.

1. The holiday card, per usual, but DO NOT PUT THE MONEY IN!! Let them wonder if you’re losing your marbles but be too embarrassed to ask.

Tequila Christmas Cake

Once again this holiday, I have had numerous requests for my tequila Christmas cake, so here goes: Please keep in your files as I am getting tired of typing this up every year!

1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take out a large bowl, check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is sstill OK. Try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.

Check the tequila.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

Cherry Christmas


[thankx and a tip of the Christmas stocking cap to M'reen]

It WAS a joke....golly...but still...remind you of anyone??

**
First there was this post from a few days ago (which I accidentally deleted when trying to get "boots on the ground?" set up) (Sorry yr astute comment went with it, Ex-s!!):

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government. However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months later, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born. See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
This information may clear up a lot of questions.

Then the ever-vigilant VC sent this:

Don't make me sic my librarian on you . . .


Subject: Tsk Tsk Re: this explains it!


You should know better than to send this to a librarian.
Setting aside the whole Area 51 premise ( I do not dispute *something*
happened).....

If conceived in March, a baby would be born in December.

Bush was born in July 46
Quayle was born Feb 47
Condoleeza Rice is my sister's age - born in 54
Rush Limbaugh is my age - born in 51
Cheney is older - born in Jan 41
Rumsfeld even older - born in 32
You can't believe anything O'Reilly says about his childhood.

Ahem..."If conceived in March, a baby would be born in December." Thankya, Jesus.

The aliens bred with the sheep in July of '47, so the offspring would be born in March of '48--if aliens mimic the gestational period of humans.

Now we don't really know wot KIND of aliens these were, how long their offspring gestate, etc.

Let's say that an alien ancestor of Bush had already landed some years ago. This can explain why in the name of all that is rational, Bush pere picked Quayle as vice president, causing the startled expression on the face of Ron Reagan, Sr.

Cheney is from Wyoming, so anything to do with sheep is possible.

Rumsfeld was born in Chicago, home of the stockyards--more sheep!

**Dutch Breeders Association of the Drentse Heideschap

well....

Got this in the e-mail today:

A first grade teacher in Virginia had 25 students in her class. She took a bunch of well-known proverbs and read the first half of each one. Then she asked the kids to come up with the other half. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!


1. Don't change horses.............until they stop running.

2. Strike while the.............bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before................Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of........termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but.......how?

6. Don't bite the hand that...............looks dirty.

7. No news is..................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a ..................Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new ..............math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll.............stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust..................me.

12. The pen is mightier than the..............pigs.

13. An idle mind is....................the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.

15. Happy is the bride who..................gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is....................not much.

17. Two's company, three's ...............the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what...............you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.............you have to blow
your nose.

20. There are none so blind as..............Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you.............see in the picture on the
box.

24. When the blind lead the blind..............get out of the way.

And the WINNER!

25. Better late than...................pregnant.

Today's Belly Laugh.....

[thankx and a tip o' the old tam o' shanter to Cathy for passing this along]

Saintly Man, Recently Retired...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on March 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledgehammer lying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Wot next??

Go check out Ronniecat's blog:

The Wordsworth rap, Ronniecat??

Word, indeed....

Milestone...and a good joke

MILESTONE

Sitemeter informed me this a.m. that as of yesterday, I have had more than 5,000 visits to XtremeEnglish since startup on July 4 last summer! Imagine! As of now, visits are averaging 40 per day. Gee. For an 'umble little blog, that amazes me.

GOOD JOKE (well, oldie but goodie)

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

TGIGF*

Had enough of moping around the pews? Here are some truly tasteless jokes to brighten your day:


A cowboy rides into town, hitches up his horse and walks into a bar. He goes up, gets a beer, drinks it, and walks out. Half a second passes and he bursts back into the bar and says "ALRIGHT WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERS PAINTED MY HORSE'S FACE YELLOW?" A huge man-mountain stands up, looks down at the cowboy and says "I DID". The cowboy looks up at him and whispers "The first coat's dry."

"Don't cry darling, Daddy had to drown the cat."
"Yes I know, but he promised I could do it." [Mojito, that one was fr u!]

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto: "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess." Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?" Tonto says, "Ear sticky."

What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
Third grade.

*Thank God it's Good Friday
[thanx and a tip o' the rabbit ears to Sally, who sent the cartoon]

BUMPER STICKERS WE'D LIKE TO SEE....

Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

Bush. Solid Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

Impeachment: It's Not Just for Sex Anymore

America : One Nation, Under Surveillance

Jail to the Chief

1/20/09: End of an Error

No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap

We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century


[A tip o' the war bonnet to Helen, who sent these this ayem]

BE AWARE....VIRUS

I got THIS message from M'reen this ayem, and try as I might, I can't forward it to anybody. The attachments don't forward. Anyway, see if this works!

I am sending this to everyone who sends me email.

One of you sent a virus.

It is a very severe virus.

LOOK WHAT IT DID TO MY MOUSE!!





Just thought this was cute and you might want to send it on to others. Have a great day.



LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HAHAHAHA

Office Joke

Our secretary sent us a good one today, and here it is:

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks,
put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks,
put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order,
put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other,
put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

Little Known Facts about Minnesota

M'reen sent these to me. I don't know where she got them or who wrote them, but they're a stitch! as they'd say in Minnesota.

Here are some little known facts about Minnesota:

·Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858, and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin’s winters.

·The state flag of Minnesota consists of a blue background upon which sits a design best described as “How a 7-year-old city girl would draw a picture titled ‘Life on the Farm’.”

·Minnesota gets its name from the Sioux Indian word “mah-nee-soo-tah,” meaning “No, really, they eat fish soaked in lye!"

·The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings will...aw, never mind."

·The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota, covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

·Cokato, Minnesota, is known as “The Lutefisk Capital of the World.” Avoid this city at all costs.

·"The Mary Tyler Moore Show” was set in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was Mary’s first real acting job since leaving “The Dick Van Dyke Show.” The show—about a single woman’s struggle to find happiness in the big city—was originally titled “Life without Dick,” but that was changed for some reason.

·The state motto of Minnesota is, "Where even a man who wears a feather boa can be governor.”

·Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed Skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing.

·Cartoonist Charles M. Schultz was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was the only artist to perfectly depict the circular heads of Minnesota natives.

·The Hormel Company of Austin, Minnesota, produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats the crap.

·Water skis were invented in 1922 in Lake City, Minnesota, by Ralph Samuelson. Sadly, he drowned shortly afterwards, as the motorboat hadn’t been invented yet.

·St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally named “Pig’s Eye,” after French Canadian whiskey trader Pierre “Pig’s Eye” Parrant. Its “Twin City,” Minneapolis, was known as “Pig’s Sphincter.”

·The stapler was invented in Swingline, Minnesota, by a chubby, mumbling man named Milton in 1899. The city was mysteriously destroyed by fire later that year.

·Pelican Rapids, Minnesota, is home to a 16’ tall concrete pelican, which subsists on a diet of 4’ long concrete fish.

·In 1973, Olivia, Minnesota, erected a 25’ tall fiberglass corn cob to celebrate its rich agricultural heritage. Then, in 1974, it was eaten by a 50’ tall statue of Babe the Blue Ox. Yes, Minnesota has a lot of problems with statue cannibalism.

·Minnesota license plates are blue and white and contain the phrase, “Blizzards on Independence Day—You get used to it.”

·Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Company, was born in Newport, Minnesota. His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with different flavored nougat: chocolate, Spam, and Lutefisk.

·The first fully automatic pop-up toaster was invented in Minneapolis, Minnesota, in 1926. Minnesota’s stringent bread-control laws currently allow only residents to own semi-automatic toasters.

·Tonka Trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the fact that thousands of GI Joe dolls are killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya!

·Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was born in Walnut Creek, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the “Little House” series of books as well as for inventing the “Spam Diet,” which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite, much like the “Lutefisk Diet.”

·The snowmobile was invented in Roseau, Minnesota, so as to allow families a means of attending Independence Day picnics.

·Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in ’84.