10 Self-Help Books I Could Write
1. Feel The Fear And Hide In Bed Feeling Like Life Is Passing You By Whilst Passively Consuming Social Networking Sites
Dynamic techniques for turning fear, indecision and anger into more fear, indecision and anger, but with an added layer of Twitter and self-flagellation!
2. Men Are From Mars, Women Are Absolutely Fine, No Nothing's Wrong, Why On Earth Should It Be?
My ten step plan to silent, resentful loving! Learn how to express your displeasure by harnessing the awesome power of passive aggressivity when your partner unaccountably fails to read your mind.
3. Getting to Doormat: Of Course I'll Lend You Ten Grand, Are You Sure That's Enough and Would You Like This Kidney, No Honestly I Don't Really Need It?
A moron's guide to negotiating. Follow these simple rules and ensure you'll get nothing but an all-consuming sense of resentment and impotence!
4. Who Moved My Despair?
Failing to anticipate and manage even the most positive change thanks to a relentlessly gloomy, superstitious mindset better suited to a Medieval peasant.
5. Women Who Overthink Too Much
In Part 1 of this invaluable guide, you'll learn how to fully script a ten second conversation with the postman several days in advance and still be sweaty palmed and incoherent when you open the door. In Part 2, you discover how to spend most of the next week rehashing and dissecting that ten second conversation in new and exciting ways that reveal your essential crapness. A must-read.
6. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Procrastinators
Powerful lessons in rearranging the kitchen cupboards to obtain better than ever management of your tinned goods inventory, whilst deadlines assail you from all sides!
7. The Demented Little Mother
The simple secrets of shouty, inconsistent parenting: appease and alarm your children in equal measure with this easy to follow routine.
8. Difficult Conversations: How to Entirely Avoid Discussing Anything That Might Lead To Unpleasantness, or If Pressed, To Discuss It So Obliquely That No-One Has A Clue What You're Saying
Learn the age old secrets of the English in this new guide. Remember: we didn't get where we are as a nation by Talking About Stuff!
9. Hemlock For The Soul: 101 Ways To Whine and Bitch Your Way To Mental Health
By rights no-one should give a shit about your puny first world problems, but this guide will teach you how to inflict them on everyone you know regardless, exhausting any shred of sympathy they might ever have had for you!
10. I'm OK (As Long As You Pretend You Like Me), You're OK (But I'm Probably Obscurely Judging You On Some Level).
Leverage your own insecurities to think faintly uncharitable thoughts about others, then hate yourself for it, whilst irrationally craving approval from all around you!
Monday, January 03, 2011
Belgian Waffle is soooooo funny!!
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I could have written #s 3, 5 and 6 and need a copy of #9. I have the whining and bitching parts down pat but I need the mental health part!
ReplyDeleteI was looking at the side bit about the excellent Molesworth books. How to be Topp! Dear Nigel Molesworth has wormed his way into our family vocabulary. "It pains me to think we are of the same blood" - when speaking of Molesworth 2. "He is a wet and a weed and I discard him utterly" - when referring to Fotherington Thomas.
ReplyDeleteIf someone has gone a little Fotherington Thomas on us, we know that they are a bit too "hello flowers, hello sky" for our tastes.
The Mrs Joyful prize for rafia work is priceless!
Alas, one must not spel chek Molesworth. Molesworth 2, in Molesworth's own words, is "uterly wet and a weed, and it panes me to think we are of the same blud."
ReplyDeleteThis is so funny! I shall sneak into the self-help section of the bookstore for #5, 6, and 8 when they come out! You know, this could easily be a do-it-yourself pop psychology app for FB. "What book am I??"
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