There's been a load of happy Christmas memories afloat in Blogland this week. I have my share of very pleasant memories of Yuletides past, but what I find morbidly fascinating are the stories I've heard of not-so-happy Christmases. The following are both true. They didn't happen to me or any of my relatives, but they came to me from a very reliable source.
The first story is about a family at Christmas dinner. Grandma and Grandpa were visiting, and the young mom had produced a splendid feast. While they were eating, the family started arguing light-heartedly about something...probably sports. Suddenly Grandma stood up, threw her napkin on her plate, and said, "I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of you all, and I'm especially sick of HIM." She pointed to Grandpa, whose fork was paused in mid air as he turned his head to see if it really was his wife who was talking like this. Grandma continued, "I've had it. I want a divorce! And I'm taking the car." With that, she stalked to the front hall, grabbed her coat and purse, slammed out the door, and drove off. I asked the narrator at this point what happened next, and she said, "Well, she drove to a motel in..........and they had to give him a ride home."
The second story concerns a family on Christmas Eve. The grandmother had to work late, and when she got home, she discovered one of her children and the child's spouse trying to comfort their screaming toddler. The kid had his arm in a sling and was wiping his nose on the back of the couch as he sobbed into the upholstery. Just then, Grandpa arrived, and asked what was going on. Grandma explained that toddler had gotten his arm twisted in daycare, and that the little family had come over to her place and let themselves in after they got out of the emergency room. Then Grandma broke down, sobbing...."What's the most important thing to me in MY LIFE?!" Grandpa said, "Your grandchild?" and Grandma said, "NO!!! MY WHITE COUCH!!!" and she pointed to the snot and slobber all over the back cushions.
I also recall the Christmas card that was Tom's favorite:
On the outside: Santa and his reindeer about to land the sleigh on a snow-covered rooftop.
On the inside: "Here comes fatty with his bag of crap!"
Merry Christmas, however it lands on your house......
hee hee, Fatty with his bag of crap made a special early arrival at my house yesterday, we had a wonderful family Christmas dinner with crackers and wine and in-laws and the new puppy and prezzies.... now I can relax while everyone else gets all stressed out over Christmas.
ReplyDeleteI just washed kitchen floor in anticipation. Not stressful really, just physically demanding. I can't kneel any more bec my knees swell...and I gotta rub at those tiles and the grouting between--and slosh all the furniture and rugs out and back. It's drying now...and I won't be embarrassed when MAW and daughter come. At least I hope not.
ReplyDeleteI think the nadir of our family Christmases would be the year my father decided to take care of a long-overdue renovation to the house... he removed the wall between the kitchen and the living room. On Christmas Eve. My mother was furious - no, maybe enraged is a better description. To this day, she refers to "the year your Father took down the wall" with ice in her voice. Oy vey!
ReplyDeleteronnie
I'm so glad your daughter gave you a link to my blog! I am looking forward to reading yours!
ReplyDeleteI can probably hear the crap landing on my house now because I can hear squirrels and those reindeer are a bit bigger :)
ex-shammy, katrina, ronnie, abbie:
ReplyDeleteyou doubtless are all too young to remember Tom Lehrer and his wacky songs. one of my favorites goes something like this:
"christmas time is here, by golly
disapproval would be folly
deck the halls with hunks of holly
fill the cup and don't say WHEN
relations sparing no expense'll
send some useless old utensil
or a matching pen and pencil--
just the thing i need, HOW NICE
it doesn't matter how sincere it is
or how heartfelt the spirit
sentiment will not endear it
what's important is the PRICE
refrain
god rest ye merry merchants
may you make the yuletide PAY
angels we have heard on high
tell us to go out and BUY
at christmas time you can't get sore
your fellow man you must adore
there's time to rob him all the more
the other three hundred and-a sixty
FOUR
so let those jolly sleigh bells jingle
hail our dear old friend kris kringle
driving his reindeer across the SKY
don't stand underneath when they
FLY BY!"
heehee my granny told me about Tom Lehrer....
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas to you! I can't remember a Christmas without brussel sprouts!! :-))
ReplyDeleteex-shammy
ReplyDeleteyour granny!? ulp. i'm not THAT much older than you, am i??
Toooooooooo funny!!!
ReplyDeleteMay the blessings of Christmas be showered upon you and yours and the New Year bring even more, my friend!
It's Christmas Day here in Canada, the sky is grey, and the sun is hiding behind the clouds. It's cold and there are remnants of last weeks snowstorm still on the ground, making it a rather muddy white Christmas. But it's a lovely day, and I wish you and your family all the best, and may 2008 be a good year for you.
ReplyDeleteex-shammie