Apparently, after nearly 50 years of being deaf, I've lost--or forgotten--the art of conversation. I'll be walking along with a friend, and she'll ask me, "Did you hear what I just said?" As we've been chatting, I'll have been keeping an eye on the path so as not to trip over the myriad cracks and uneven bricks sprinkled so generously throughout the fair City of Satan. And people who have known me for a while are well trained to think that if I am not looking right at them, I'm not hearing them. But I can hear pretty well now if I've got the implant's settings right, and I don't need to do that as much now. If they don't say something that I think requires a response (like ask a question), I don't feel the need to interrupt their narrative after every sentence. I dunno...jeez...sometimes I just like to listen to them talk. Dear Sally suggested, when I asked her about it this weekend, that I give some kind of audible clue back...like a grunt or something: "Uh huh, uh huh" (or, as they say it in Iowa, "MmMMH MmMMH"--faster and with the accent on the second syllable).
I'll try it. For years I've gotten my notions of conversation from books, and it's not the same as what people do when they actually TALK. It takes a long time to get the hang of acting like someone who can hear.
That's funny because I have a similar complaint about my daughter. While on the phone I will say something and wait for a clue that she is hearing me. Dead silence ensues and I have to ask her if she heard me. She'll say 'yes' so it isn't just the hearing impaired that fail to acknowledge that they are listening.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting topic and comment about hearing and hearing impaired persons sharing the same type conversational challenges -- needing verbal and/or nonverbal cues that allow the speaker to know the listener is listening.
ReplyDeleteI used to experience the same sort of reaction with someone frequently in my life -- sometimes, they gave me no eye contact or verbal utterance of any sort to provide speaker(me)an indication that my words were being received. Explaining my need fell on the "deaf ears" of this unimpaired hearing person. Providing these cues is a listeners responsibility in discourse. If they don't, the speaker may conclude the listener is not interested, or doesn't want the conversation.
My approach to coping with this problem communication behavior was to occasionally throw in ridiculous out of context phrases, statements or questions to see if there was any reaction.
Another approach can be to imitate the offender by giving them 'no reaction' with verbal or nonverbal cues, so they can experience your frustration when you become the speaker.
Same experience can occur in phone calls (may mean listener is distracted, doesn't want to converse -- you can't see them -- so verbally check with them. Also can be an issue in written correspondence -- snail mail letters, or email, but I've experienced that only once in my lifetime, in recent years with email. Wouldn't have been so unexpectedly disappointing to me if the correspondent hadn't been urging me to keep writing. What for, I finally asked myself, when I realized what was happening. I embedded a similar type written comment in the middle of a communique on a few different occasions, none of which were noted -- helped me understand why earlier topics had not been addressed.
Not sure how effective the imitating behavior would work with a writing correspondent, but feedback is usually desired/expected by each writer, so could try.
Darlene and Joared: That's reassuring to know that it's not just deaf folks who need clues that you're getting what others are saying. American Sign Language has definite protocols for giving nonverbal cues that you are paying attention to what someone else is communicating.
ReplyDeleteGuess I've just fallen off the edge and have to start scrambling back. That probably means just saying "uh huh uh huh" or "i see"
or "jesus h christ!!"
The Japanese have a really active feedback loop in their culture. They punctuate the other speakers every sentence with "hai," which means "yes." They say it so often that it sounds like there are two talkers--and one is chopping down trees.
ReplyDeleteYup, being deaf or hard of hearing really complicates the feedback need. Ha! I'm talking about me!
Cat
hai hai hai hai hai....
ReplyDeleteThough seriously hearing impaired in one ear...wait, wait, I'm deaf on the left (particularly funny if you know my politics), I work hard to hear others and respond. So what about those who seem NOT to listen to/attend to one in a responsive manner.
ReplyDeleteSat next to a woman like this at a meeting today. She was knitting, I asked about her work. I was also; she never asked. But she is so prickly about anything she decides the other has not reacted to as she believes proper. Relief when she left a committee we both were on.
Yeah! Yeah! No-o-o ! Too many cues can be a pain.
ReplyDeleteCorrection to my 4th paragraph:
Another approach can be to imitate the offender by giving them 'no reaction' with verbal or nonverbal cues, so they can experience your frustration when THEY become the speaker.
(Sorry, got unexpectedly interrupted and rushed sending my comment above before final proofing.)
I just realized that verbal cues can work the other way. My husband used to call his mother after a long day at work and I would see him practically asleep on the phone "listening" to her drone on about something trivial. As long as he kept throwing in the occasional "uh-huh," that would keep the "conversation" going and he could go to bed that night not feeling guilty that he hadn't neglected her (he called her EVERY night). The D.N.
ReplyDeleteDN....It's either feast or famine. About every other Irish joke somewhere has the line "Why don't you call/write to your mother?" God bless him....
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